Devil’s advocate

I am what’s known as a devil’s advocate. If you seem a little too smug in your beliefs, I want to challenge them. If it seems like you haven’t completely thought something through, I want to kick-start that process. Or kick you in the pants.

Sometimes it just makes me uncomfortable when everyone seems to agree on something. Rarely is truth so universal.

So this week has been a bite-my-lip kind of time. Everywhere I look, the world is singing the praises of Steve Jobs. Of course, I can’t disagree that the man was incredibly successful and made the world better. I’m personally grateful to him for his contributions.

And yet…

This word “genius” gets thrown around far too casually. Was Steve Jobs a genius? I suppose it depends on your definition of the word. Maybe anyone that transforms a business from struggling to the world’s most valuable is a genius. Or maybe he’s just a very good business man. From the stories I’ve heard so far, Steve Jobs’ major accomplishments were:

• Offering an alternative to the Microsoft juggernaut;
• Overseeing the design and production of products that were visually attractive and fun to use;
• Promoting those products in a way that was more fun than the stodgy competition;
• Changing Pixar from a computer company to inventing a completely new field – digital animation;
• Insisting on the highest standards from those that worked for him.

Of all of those, the only one that seems “genius” to me is what he did with Pixar – and that’s the part of his story that most people seem least aware!

Certainly not everything Jobs touched turned to gold. Apple has had many failures. Newton, anyone?

As much as I’ve admired Apple products over the years, and purchased many of them (I’m writing this on a MacBook Pro), there have been moments where I’ve been anything but a fanboy. What bothers me most about the Apple ethos is that they are the opposite of “open source.” Despite being revered for their creativity, they don’t encourage other innovators to build on and transform their creations. Other companies are generally viewed as the competition and thus worthy of being crushed.

Sure, this means that Apple rigorously defend the clearly high standards of “their” platform and doesn’t settle for mediocrity. Nothing gets into iTunes or the Apple Store without the blessing of someone in Cupertino. But that kind of control freak mentality seems selfish to me. For instance, why is it that Steve Jobs got to be the ultimate arbiter of whether Flash was awesome or evil? His thinking has led to frustrating fragmentation in our everyday technology experience.

You want to see that Flash movie on your iPad? Good luck. You want to play that song from iTunes on your Android phone? Good luck. The only kind of positive experience you’ll have is the one that benefits Apple – and makes them money.

I wonder what kind of reaction folks will have when Bill Gates dies. After all, he’s the nerd in this story, right? He’s never been savvy enough to wear those super-cool black mock turtlenecks. (That was sarcasm.) He’s only devoted much of his fortune and his time to solving the world’s problems. His commercials? Sucky. Never mind that his more open source approach to personal computing – i.e. software that will work on a wide variety of machines not made by his company – allowed for the Digital Age to happen.

Say what you want about Word and Excel and PowerPoint. Almost all of us use them and that’s damn convenient. When you get a new employee, they know how to use your software. When a new vendor sends you a file, you can open it. If the world had Steve Jobs’ mentality, there would be dozens of Word-type programs with various pros and cons and it would be a cluster. But hey, that’s capitalism, right?

But I guess what bothers me most about many of the eulogies I’ve been hearing for Jobs is what they say about us, not him. A woman on NPR today said what I’ve heard dozens of times this week: “I’ve owned your computers and iPods and iPhones for years and now I am in tears.”

What does that mean? It sounds like she’s very attached to her devices, and I can relate. Every day, I play with my (Android) phone and just marvel at what it can do. But to cry when one of its creators dies, like all of us do eventually? Why don’t I hear this kind of anguish when humanitarians die?

Computers and cell phones and online musical stores and Buzz Lightyear are the kinds of things that people in the developed world get to enjoy. Good for us. I don’t feel guilty about it. I’m glad that some people devote their lives to creating these things.

But in my pecking order, these people don’t deserve our admiration as much as teachers. Or people who volunteer their time as mentors, or cleaning up a stream or feeding the hungry. There are people right now who are devoting their lives to helping third world citizens have clean water and food. It’s too bad that they don’t end up on the cover of Time and Newsweek. What they do just isn’t cool enough, I guess.

Does it bother anyone else that for two months leading up to October 4 that approximately 90% of news coverage was breathlessly speculating about whether we would get an iPhone 5 and what that might look like? Jesus, have we completely lost any sense of what is important? Why is it that more Americans can provide Angry Birds strategy tips than understand how our health care system works?

As you can tell, my beef isn’t really with Steve Jobs. I might disagree with some of his business ideology, but I also understand, appreciate and even admire them in a way. It’s just what he apparently meant to so many other people that occasionally feels kind of uncomfortable to me.

Some may find my comments regarding a recently deceased man disrespectful. That’s just the kind of misunderstanding that devil’s advocates endure. But if I made you think, just a little bit, then I’m happy. Please share your comments and force me to think, as well. We will both be better for it.

Beady Dub

It’s kind of funny that it took me this long to start blogging. I’m a former journalist and consider myself a “writer,” whatever that means. I spend way too much time on computers, posting thoughts and feelings that probably not many people care about. I guess Facebook has been my short form blog outlet. But maybe it’s time for more long form stuff now.

Today I went horseback riding. I told a friend that I keep threatening to get into cross country skiing but not doing it. That got me thinking about all the things I threaten to do, which are all very cool, and which I don’t actually end up doing. Like writing. In my imagination, I am actually a very well-rounded person. A Renaissance man, if you will. In reality, however, I watch TV and fiddle around with my smart phone. So… yeah. Pretty lame.

To be honest, one reason I haven’t started a blog is that I’m afraid I don’t have anything important to say. Maybe I’m The World’s Most Boring Man, the antithesis of that Dos Equis guy. Static on your TV screen might be more exciting. But today I feel a little more optimistic about it. I figure it’s like photography, where I take a million pictures and one of them is outstanding. Perhaps an epiphany will accidentally fall from my fingertips if I keep banging on these buttons. Yeah, that’s probably how it happened for Updike. (By the way, read his short story “The Lifeguard” if you want to see my idea of genius.)

So what’s up with the title of this post? Well, I thought “beady dub” might be a hip way to say BTW… by the way. That’s because I’m super hip. It also sounds like a casual aside: “Beady dub, I’m blogging now. It’s lame, but whatever.” That way you don’t expect anything here to be brilliant. Seriously, lower your expectations right now. WordPress has a field for “tagline” and maybe that should be mine: Lower your expectations! Too bad it doesn’t fit on a license plate.

BTW is also short for “born this way,” which I like because it’s another excuse. If you don’t like me… baby, I was born this way. Nothing I can do about it. Get over it.

Everybody wants to rule the world

I am in the middle of a book that I should have started reading a year ago when it came out. It’s called “In The Plex: How Google Thinks, Works and Shapes Our Lives.”

It’s fascinating, especially if you’re interested in the evolution of the Internet or – even more broadly – technology. It tells the story of the people who have changed all of our lives over the past decade.

Part of what interests me is how these huge companies have sort of their own theology. That was rattling around in my mind tonight when I ate dinner with my family. We ended up talking about religion, and part of the conversation was about how a particular denomination like Presbyterians can have different factions. So if you’re being precise about what you believe in, you can’t just go by the name of your denomination. You should clarify that you are a Covenant Presbyterian. That’s the signal that you don’t stand for nonsense like gay people or female preachers.

That got me to thinking about all of these technology companies and how they, too, are fighting to control the world. For a while Apple and Google were practically the same company, working together on complimentary hardware and software. Then Google began to encroach on Apple’s turf in the mobile category and they were “frenemies.” Then Google really started to take dollars out of Apple’s pocket and it was full-on war.

So indulge me with this comparison of the high-tech world:

COMMODORE, ATARI – These were the warlords of the tech world, crudely ruling smaller domains with wooden weapons.

MICROSOFT – The monarchy was born, and the ruler was Bill Gates. It was mostly a benevolent rule. For goodness sake, they gave us Windows! The user interface was so intuitive! Suddenly we had the mouse and no longer had to type in cryptic commands. The whole company is proprietary software, and the empire was determined to grow as big as it could be – preferably the whole world.

APPLE – Religion. Curvy machines with colors were like digital stained glass windows. Mesmerizing. Steve Jobs had the halo around his head, and his simple, black mock turtleneck shirts even had a monk-like quality. Also a completely proprietary company – submit or die.

GOOGLE – Democracy. Or, as with most democracies, the illusion of a democracy when in fact it is an oligarchy committed more to making money than anything. Larry Page and Sergey Brin are the hallowed founding fathers, embracing open source technology only so much as it helps their products grow. Chrome and Android are great examples – free, open source and designed to keep everyone in the Google revenue streams. If another company becomes troublesome in its appeal, buy it!

Funny how monarchy / religion / democracy and Microsoft / Apple / Google all share that same human emotion: paranoia. The interests of The People are only so useful as they serve the interests of the few in power.

So where do the Tea Party and Occupy movement fall into this technology analogy? Maybe they’re the fringe companies like T-Mobile and Blackberry, trying to be bold and sadly desperate to be real players as the masses mostly don’t trust what they are selling.

What is the next huge social movement or company which will fundamentally change the world? And when will the interests of those who rule genuinely benefit the weak and helpless? We have made icons out of Mother Theresa and Ghandi, but the ones we admire more today are those who have made mad coin and flashy toys.

I would argue that government is the closest thing we have to something that could help people without any expectation for a return dividend. What if government could protect us without controlling every aspect of our lives?

Yes, we mistrust government, because we mistrust people and know they are greedy. But it seems like with some tweaking we can cut out the special interests and have a system that rules more like Mother Theresa than Bain Capital.

There are some who will claim that we don’t need any ruling corporations or governments or religions or any of it. Every man for himself! All I can say is, some degree of regulation is a good thing. Imagine the chaos of our internet if Brin and Larry and Bill and Steve hadn’t had the lust to consolidate huge empires. Let’s just not let it become one company / party / government. Some degree of competition is also a good thing. I guess the only power we have as individuals is with our votes and our dollars.

Did any of that make sense? Please add your confusing analogies in the comments. Thank you.

Now, enjoy some music.

 

 

All that glitters is not gold

There are certain defects which well mounted glitter like virtue itself.
– Francois de la Rochefoucauld

Newt Gingrich has contacted the New York Times to say that he believes “glitter bombing” should be classified as assault.

Take a moment to soak in that rainbow of hypocrisy, with all its layers and hues. First, why is he making any statement to a paper that he (and most members of his party) classify as a communist rag? That’s actually the aspect of his statement that offends me the least, because frankly I’ve come to expect that kind of duplicity.

It’s all fun and games until Newt gets glitter in his eye.

In case you don’t know, a “glitter bomb” occurs when a gay rights activist throws glitter at someone who they perceive to be a homophobic bigot. This happened to Newt and his Stepford wife robot last spring at a book signing. The terrorist in question threw some glitter at Newton and yelled some stuff about the presidential candidate’s position on marriage equality, a.k.a. gay marriage.

If you’re Mitt Romney and this happens to you, then you joke about how it’s confetti and isn’t that nice. If you’re Newt, though, you complain to a communist newspaper that it should be something for which a person should be imprisoned. Clearly, he feels that it’s more than a little upsetting to have some glitter in your hair. And this is a guy who wants us to give him access to our nuclear arsenal.

Here’s what Newt Gingrich is not upset about: discrimination against people who have a sexual orientation that is different than his. Here are the things that Newt and his third wife have as rights that a committed, loving gay couple of 50 years do not:

• Joint parental rights of children
• Joint adoption
• Status as “next-of-kin” for hospital visits and medical decisions
• Right to make a decision about the disposal of loved ones remains
• Immigration and residency for partners from other countries
• Crime victims recovery benefits
• Domestic violence protection orders
• Judicial protections and immunity
• Automatic inheritance in the absence of a will
• Public safety officers death benefits
• Spousal veterans benefits
• Social Security
• Medicare
• Joint filing of tax returns
• Wrongful death benefits for surviving partner and children
• Bereavement or sick leave to care for partner or children
• Child support
• Joint Insurance Plans
• Tax credits including: Child tax credit, Hope and lifetime learning credits
• Deferred Compensation for pension and IRAs
• Estate and gift tax benefits
• Welfare and public assistance
• Joint housing for elderly
• Credit protection
• Medical care for survivors and dependents of certain veterans

Never mind all that. Newt has glitter in his hair. Prepare the guillotine!

Our Dear Leader

If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t like reexamining your own beliefs, maybe we should just part ways here. If you’re easily offended, particularly by conversations about religion, same deal. I’m not going out of my way to offend anyone, but some folks seem to think that anything out of line with their own beliefs is hateful.

Anyway.

Like many folks, this week I’ve been following events in North Korea with interest. Kim Jong-il (or as Rick Perry called him, “Kim John The Second”) is dead. His son is presumed to succeed him as Dear Leader – a title that comes with a nicely embroidered bowling shirt – but there was some talk that perhaps the honor would go to the young man’s uncle, a more experienced and capable dictator. One of Kim’s older sons is not considered eligible for the position because his mother didn’t have the good sense to marry “Our Father” (another cute nickname that they have for him.) The Dear Leader is considered a kind of deity in North Korea, and people there believe that he can control the weather among other things.

This dictator / religious figure thing is a family business and we’re entering the third generation. From what I can gather, the military in North Korea has to be on board with the selection – and maybe is actually making the decision from that limited family field.

This whole crazy family kind of gives dictators a bad name, and religious leaders, too. “Wait, wait, wait!” you say. “That’s a CULT!” And in this imaginary conversation I’m having with you, I have to ask “How?” Is it just because your particular religious leader is chosen in a more civilized way? Let’s take a look at some of the more popular ones.

The Pope is still the big dog here. According to Pope Pius V, who I’m going to go out on a limb and say has a conflict of interest here, “The Pope and God are the same, so he has all power in Heaven and earth.” As The Church Lady would say, “How convenient!”

Any pope is elected by the College of Cardinals, from whose ranks the new pope will come. It’s slightly more ritualistic than a college fraternity. Presumably these men (sorry, no women allowed!) are so holy that they know God when they see him. Just so it doesn’t seem confusing that yesterday this guy was a regular human, they change his name. When that white smoke goes up the chimney, everything changes.

If you’re the kind of person that likes power, religion has always been a handy tool. And if you’re REALLY into power, you’re not that thrilled about even the small chance that one of your fellow cardinals gets chosen over you as God on Earth.

That’s where Joseph Smith was really clever. He just started his own church, with himself as the leader of course. This wasn’t a committee decision. Occasionally, Joe would announce a Revelation from God and everyone was supposed to start following the New Rule. This just in! God wants us to have lots of wives! Years later, when the American public started to think Mormons were crazy and maybe dangerous: This just in! God changed His mind!

While that might sound like ancient history, take a look at more recent revelations regarding how we should regard people of color. (They’re not as bad as they were before.)

Many religions have a kind of legislative process that decides what is Divine and what is not. I guess the thinking is that a bit of paperwork and a committee can sort that kind of thing out. By the way, don’t forget the cover sheet on your TPS reports, people.

When Joseph Smith was murdered, word didn’t get out that naming yourself a kind of human deity could be a poor career choice. David Koresh didn’t get the memo and burned to death with his followers. For those that believe in apocalyptic things, though, it was a fitting end.

Sometimes these tragedies lead to pop culture expressions. For example, when you buy into the hype on something – like Tim Tebow, for instance – you’re sometimes said to be “drinking the Kool-Aid.” This refers to the people in Jonestown, Guyana, who drank poisoned Kool-Aid to follow their religious figure (Jim Jones, aka “The Mad Messiah”)into Paradise.

Other times, religious leaders step down peacefully. The world used to be led by kings and queens that claimed (like the Pope or Kim Jong-il or Jim Jones) to be a human expression of God. Now we just obsess about Will and Kate’s haircuts in the tabloids. At the end of World War II, Emperor Hirohito stepped down from such a role, and I’m sure the families of kamikaze pilots who gave their lives for him were kind of confused about it. Hirohito was not charged with any war crimes, despite the whole Pearl Harbor massacre and him being the leader of Japan at the time. He lived pretty well until his death in 1989. As Mel Brooks once said, “It’s good to be the king.”

Protestant Christians are much more civilized about all of this. There is no Protestant leader who has ever been considered a deity, except for Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell, Sean Hannity, etc. I kid, of course. These people don’t claim to be God; they are just very convincing in claiming to know what He wants. (Cliff Notes: God hates fags.)

If you like power but aren’t particularly religious, you’d better get really good at faking it. President Obama made the mistake this year of not recognizing Thanksgiving as a religious holiday (ruh?!?!) and you can bet that won’t happen again. America has never had an atheist president. Much better to select people with morals like George W. Bush or Richard Nixon.

Don’t even get me going on Islam. The Supreme Leader in Iran has to be its own column.

At this point, you’re thinking I’m some kind of anti-religion nut. Actually, I just can’t stand people who use religion to persecute others or force their will on the world. Gandhi was one hell of a guy. Same with Martin Luther King, Jr. I’d say the same about Mother Theresa, but first I need to read that book by Richard Dawkins about her.

So what is my point? I guess it’s that the people who most loudly proclaim to be Our Dear Leader are actually pretty fucking evil. And when I think about the most saintly people I’ve ever known, my grandparents come to mind. Al and Wilma Rogalski were all about love. That’s it. You don’t need anything else. They led by example. They might not have ruled the world, but they made an impression on me. They did beautiful things for other people and didn’t need everyone to know that they were religious to take credit for it. They did good things for the sake of goodness. If only everyone else did the same.

If there’s a God, that’s the kind of behavior that I think would be appreciated. Call me crazy, but I’m suspicious when people warn me to claim my fealty or suffer the consequences. Honestly, that’s the same kind of thing Kim Jong-il did.

So connected

Recently I received a Foursquare request from someone I knew briefly years ago. Nice gal. We’re also friends on Facebook, follow each other on Twitter, keep track of each other professionally on LinkedIn, and on Google+… we listen to the crickets cheep together. It’s quite soothing. With Foursquare, we’ll now be able to notify each other (and all of our other friends / followers) where we are and what we are doing and… what goofy badges we have earned because we are so mentally ill that we “check in” at places of alleged interest. Wow, she’s the mayor of a coffee shop I’ve never heard of and don’t care about! What an accomplishment!

Amazingly, it’s taken this long for me to wonder if our stalking behavior has gone just a bit too far. Do we really like each other that much, or do we just need the constant validation that we are surrounded by interesting friends. Hold on a moment while I comment on a friend’s Facebook post. I want him to know that I’ve already been to that place he’s bragging about. Maybe I’ll imply that it was disappointing, just to take the wind out of his sails a bit. That thing that you’re so excited about? Yeah, it’s pretty good but it doesn’t rate quite as well on my – let’s face it – much more discerning rating system.

Does that sound passive aggressive? Welcome to the Internet. Just think of all the nuanced social maneuvers you can pull off:

• We’re connected on LinkedIn, but I’ve ignored your offers to connect on Facebook or Twitter. Probably you’re missing some pretty spicy photos of me and my fraternity brothers going off in Vegas. But you’re only useful to me professionally, so see you at the next chamber mixer. It will be lame.
• I hit the “like” button on the YouTube video you posted of that obscure, somewhat erotic band. Is it possible that we connect on an emotional / spiritual level neither of us suspected before? Are we possibly soulmates? Have I been yearning for the feel of your silky flesh between my fingers for decades? Perhaps. Or maybe I was just amused by the band name. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
• A political dumpster fire is raging. It went beyond personal 27 posts ago and some people are beginning to wonder if the authorities should be notified. My third cousin seven times removed is on the ropes and all I need is one more shot for the referee to step in and… wait, what’s this? The administrative assistant I barely knew from four jobs ago hit the “like” button on my distant cousin’s ridiculous comment about the gold standard. What the f*ck?! The rest of us have risked our lives in this bloody virtual battle and that gutless b*tch can’t even muster an actual comment? What the hell does she know about the gold standard, anyway? She couldn’t even figure out the damn fax machine! She has no idea how depraved my cousin is, or she would reconsider her position on this issue. Oh, she is so getting unfriended. And if she ever notices, she will know exactly why. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
• You are a free spirit. It doesn’t seem like you ever hold back, and I admire that. So when I see the photo from your company Christmas party, I add a comment joking about your extensive marijuana habit from 20 years ago in college. I’m sure your mother and co-workers will get a kick out of it.

These internetz are pretty amazing. I can’t figure out why my father thinks Facebook is ridiculous. He doesn’t know what he’s missing!

When I’m 64

Tomorrow I turn 43, which is an unremarkable number to anyone but Richard Petty and his fans. Generally I have no anxiety about aging, but tonight I’m not feeling wild about the concept. I blame the guy at the am/pm mini-mart. Normally when I buy beer and they ask for my ID, I just sit back and wait for the reaction. “No way!” they say, looking back and forth between the card and my face with suspicion. Usually this is exclaimed most vociferously by youngsters to whom 1968 seems like pioneer times. Perhaps it’s just their math skills and they think I am actually 73. Anyway, this guy didn’t even ask for the card. The nerve!

I proceeded home to study up on colonoscopies, before my sisters harass me about it one more time and I am forced to admit once again that I haven’t looked into it yet but really will quite soon! Let me tell you, reading about preparation for this procedure is thrilling stuff. Diarrhea, gas pains, humiliation among medical employees… this is apparently what old age looks like. Sweet.

Luckily, I found a blog by a guy in Australia that at least made me smile about it. He actually sounded a little too enthusiastic about colonoscopies, if you ask me. But he taught me to look on the bright side.

Those gray hairs beginning to appear on my head hold the promise that perhaps I’ll look distinguished as I age. This George Clooney fantasy is then shattered by the idea that perhaps my hairline will recede and leave a little island at the front. I mean, Rob Corddry is funny but that’s not the legacy I’m looking for.

Recently my son openly mocked an NFL quarterback that he called “Unibrow.” I told him that without my diligent grooming, that would be his father… without the great arm and multi-million dollar contract. The look of horror as he considered his gene pool was priceless.

So yes, I am headed for years of stress about hospital gowns that don’t quite cover my skinny ass. But I am comforted by the fact that I have passed on life to four other people who can carry on the tradition of worrying about these things and being humiliated for many years to come. Enjoy it, kids. I love you.

Fall Festival

My angel.